Over the past few days, I’ve started to really struggle with discouragement. I fully anticipated that I would move to DC, get a job within the first month, and have more than every need met pretty much immediately. I didn’t expect this.
Every opportunity has fallen through, every lead has resulted in a dead end, and I’ve been left questioning my decisions and, quite honestly, my God. It’s been 2 1/2 months, and I’ve literally got nothing.
Today, after hours of applying to jobs and two venti white mochas, I grabbed my Bible in frustration and just started reading. I read Hebrews and then James. I started feeling less sorry for myself around Hebrews 11, and then in James it says, “Consider it pure joy, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
I wonder how my life would change if I took that a little more seriously. Instead of this being a time of discouragement, I should look at it as the work of a loving God, developing my faith and drawing me closer to Him. Because, of course, it wouldn’t take a lot of faith if I still had money in my bank account. It wouldn’t take faith if I had offers pouring in after being here for a few weeks. It wouldn’t take a lot of faith if it was safe.
So, I’ve decided to consider this a time of joy. A time in which I have little demands on my time, few responsibilities, and a lot of time to fall more in love with my Savior.
In my small group notes last night, there was a quote from Annie Dillard: “How we spend our days, of course, is how we spend our lives.” My days lately have been filled with anxiety, tears, and panic. My time has been spent frantically trying to fill my days so that I don’t have to think about what I don’t have. I’m choosing to fill my days with meaningful time with Jesus.
This could just be the best time of my life.
2 comments:
when adam was unemployed for 6 mos., we felt all of these same things. the job God eventually provided has easily been the best possible thing for adam's career. even though you may struggle with believing it all the time, i believe that God has something wonderful for you. he is the Great Shepherd, and you are his beloved sheep, and he will meet all your needs. i am praying for you.
What a wonderful reminder and a sanctified perspective.
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